Newcastle United Saturday, Jan 12 2008 

Are the England of the Premier League.

 They haven’t won a single thing since 1969, when they won the most prestigious Inter Cities Fairs Cup.

 They don’t have title or cup-winning players.

They sack their manager every thirty seconds.

 Yet their fans think they are the greatest club in the Universe, that every manager under the sun should want to go to St James’ Park and that their complete lack of success is down to either some sort of global conspiracy or unjustified (and possibly orchestrated) bad luck.

 The fact is, they’re just not very good, and haven’t been for a long time. Like England.

English Football Thursday, Nov 22 2007 

Hats off to Croatia; a better team, who played better on the night, wanted it more and got a victory they deserved.

 England have been abysmal throughout the qualifying campaign and did not deserve to go through to Euro 2008. Whose fault is it? Well where to begin? Over-payed players who are outclassed by men earning a 10th of their salary, who lack passion, inventiveness and flair, and who can only play as part of a multi-national team; an incompetent manager; a Football Association that hasn’t known its arse from its elbow for as long as I’ve been alive; a Premiership that rewards importing big name players from abroad and relegates the importance of grass roots. The list goes on.

 All I can say is that I hope not qualifying for 2008 results in some serious top-to-bottom reform of the English game, in all departments. The England team is shockingly bad. The one good thing to come out of this campaign is that it puts to death the persistent lie that England are a good team. We have been knocked out of the last three major tournaments by the same manager, and on the last two occasions by the same team, Portugal, who are hardly one of the best in the world (though clearly better than England). Yet the myth persisted that we were somehow world class. Well facts are facts, and world class teams qualify for major tournaments. To put it bluntly, England are shit. The whole world has known it for a long time, now we have to admit it to ourselves.

Royal Ascot Can Fuck Off Friday, Jun 22 2007 

Utterly disgusting. Rich people throwing their money around, wearing stupid clothes and being smug about it. But I keep finding myself watching it on TV: it’s like when there’s a road accident and you know you should walk away, but you just keep staring.

But it really does make me feel quite nauseous. In fact, it’s the same feeling I got when the Bullingdon Club turned up at Filth (nightclub) the other week and proceded to queue-jump and laugh in our faces about it. I’m increasingly regretting that I didn’t take the night in the cells after leaping over the barrier to punch two or three of them in their horrible little faces. After all, they’ll be running the country sooner or later, and everyone needs a good kicking (at least) once in their life, and now they’ll probably never get one. It’s them i feel sorry for, really…

Ah well, life is full of missed opportunities. 

Twats

These are not hats, these are crimes against aesthetics. Nice biceps on the hermaphrodite, though.

Up the Latics Thursday, May 17 2007 

I’ve got to say, i’m fully behind Dave Whelan on this one.

 He may own JJB, The Mecca of all Chavs, but it’s good to see that even with Wigan avoiding the drop he’s continuing the fight against West Ham. I felt so bad for Sheffield United on Sunday; less so for Niel Warnock, but I will miss his hilarious antics in the Premiership next season.

 But seriously, you can’t help thinking that if West Ham had been a smaller club, with less money behind them this season, then the Premier League would have come down like a ton of bricks over the Tevez/Mascherano affair. It’s especially harsh for Sheffield United when you consider that Tevez essentially kept West Ham up single-handedly.

 So yeah, screw the Hammers, sue them for every penny and send that weird bald twat back to Iceland. I mean, he’s not even human really is he…

An Elf